Talk:Gṛhasthāśrama:Gṛhastha and Gṛhiṇī

By Sri Chandrasekharendra Saraswati Swami

After a young man completes his gurukulavāsa and performs the samāvartana, he enters the life-stage of a gṛhastha (householder). He must now adopt the outward marks of this new stage. The symbols of his brahmacarya — such as the staff (daṇḍa), antelope skin (ajina), and girdle (mekhalā) — are set aside. In their place, he now wears the pañcakaccha and an upper cloth, signifying readiness for worldly responsibility.

As a brahmacārī, he was forbidden from using footwear or adorning himself with perfumes, gandha, ear-ornaments, flowers, or cosmetics. Now, however, he is permitted to apply lampblack (añjana) to his eyes, wear ornaments, and even carry an umbrella — a sign of dignity and readiness for the next phase of life.

The śāstra-s say that the new householder must approach the king (or his representative), suitably adorned, to seek gifts or dakṣiṇā for his marriage. This indicates that marriage expenses were traditionally borne by the groom or his family — not demanded from the bride’s side.

Another point the scriptures emphasize is that, regardless of marriage, a young man who has undergone samāvartana must begin to wear the “double sacred thread” and pañcakaccha. The pleated lower garment is said to preserve vīrya (potency), and such attire marks his inner discipline and social responsibility.

Muslims wear the ends of their garments sewn together. Even among non-twice-born communities (outside Tamil Nadu and Kerala), it has been the norm to tuck in their dhotis or veṣṭis. Today, unfortunately, such symbols of discipline and cultural identity have declined — people often wear trousers even when coming to see the ācārya, which shows the extent of cultural erosion.

A peculiar modern addition to marriage ceremonies is the so-called Paradeśi-k-kolam (disguised ascetic), which is no part of the śāstra. It is staged in the form of a fake kāśī-yātrā (pilgrimage to Kāśī), where the groom darkens his eyes, wears a gold chain, carries a walking stick and is ceremoniously turned back by the bride’s father in exchange for a gift. This custom, often executed with pomp, is rooted more in social drama and extortion than in tradition.

Traditionally, a man was never to remain a moment without belonging to an āśrama (life-stage) after completing his brahmacarya. The only exception to this rule is the one who takes a vow of naiṣṭhika brahmacarya — lifelong celibacy. Otherwise, immediately after samāvartana, he must prepare for marriage and the responsibilities of household life.

The gṛhastha is incomplete without his gṛhiṇī — the wife who is not merely a partner in domestic chores but a dharma-patnī and yajña-patnī, sharing in the sacred duties that uphold both gṛhastha-dharma and the spiritual fabric of society.

A brāhmaṇa is born with three ṛṇa-s (debts): he owes a debt to the ṛṣi-s (sages), to the devatā-s (celestial beings), and to the pitṛ-s (ancestors). He repays the first by learning the Veda-s as a brahmacārī (student-bachelor); the second by taking a wife and performing yajña-s (sacrifices); and the third by begetting a son. Without marriage, therefore, he cannot repay the second and third debts.

Sons are primarily intended to repay the debt to the pitṛ-s. Performing the śrāddha ceremony alone is not sufficient. The departed ancestors of the last three generations are to be gradually elevated in the world of manes (pitṛloka) through the pinda-dāna and tarpana. For this, daily oblations are to be offered for two generations after a man's death. This is why the birth of a son is considered essential.

(An exception is made for a naiṣṭhika brahmacārī and a sannyāsin. Due to their inner purity and spiritual enlightenment, they can liberate, not just two, but twenty-one generations of ancestors—without the need to perform śrāddha.)

Key rituals in the marriage (vivāha) include pāṇigrahaṇa (grasping the bride’s hand), maṅgalyadhāraṇa (tying the sacred marriage thread), and saptapadī (seven circumambulations of the sacred fire by the couple). Whether maṅgalyadhāraṇa is a Vedic rite is debated, but such a debate is unnecessary. It is an ancient and essential part of the vivāha-saṃskāra.

As explained earlier, once a youth completes his brahmacarya, he must take a wife for the pursuit of dharma. The wife must surrender herself fully to him, and through this surrender, she becomes purified inwardly. The aim of marriage is a life of harmony and the begetting of virtuous progeny.

Gṛhasthāśrama is referred to as *illaram* in Tamil, and it too is extolled by the learned in Tamil tradition. The word gṛha means house. One who returns to the household after completing his stay at the guru’s home and engages in dharmic living is a gṛhastha. He is simply “one who resides in a house.”

Interestingly, in Tamil tradition, the wife calls her husband “aham-uḍaiyān”, “ahattuk-kāraṉ”, or “viṭṭuk-kāraṉ”—all terms that relate to the house. Only the wife may refer to her husband in these ways. The wife, however, is not called gṛhastha but gṛhiṇī, which implies that she is the controller or owner of the house.

The husband is called illarattaṉ in Tamil, meaning “one who performs religious rites in the house” (il-arattaṉ). The wife is called illal—meaning she is the possessor of the house. She is also known as illattaraśi (queen of the house), maṉaivi (lady of the house), or maṉaiyāḷ. The husband is never called illan—a word which, ironically, means “one who possesses nothing.”

In Telugu too, the wife is called illu (paralleling the Tamil illal), again signifying that she is the real possessor and central figure in household management.